When I first opened my eyes this morning, all I wanted to do was cover my head and stay put all day long. We had an appt. with a man from the funeral home. So, get up, get a shower, don't think about it, drink coffee, don't think about it, check on Bri, don't think about it...walk the dog, don't think about it.....he pulls into the yard and oh, there's no words. Thank goodness he wasn't driving a vehicle marked accordingly. I asked him when I called last Friday if the vehicle he would be coming over in would have any type of business identification on it and he said no. Thank God for little things.
Mr. Dan was such a nice, respectful christian gentleman. He stated that he knew how we felt because he and his wife also had a child pass away at an early age. I was ok until I had to fill out a form with Brianna's information. That's when the tears started to flow....Right now we are planning on a Memorial Service and not a funeral service. There is absolutely no way that neither Jerry or I could stand to see a child-size casket. I don't think I could even walk inside the church without losing my mind. Anyway, we made it though the preliminaries.
The stress we are under makes simple ordinary things HUGE. I can't seem to stop crying, I don't want to be in the house waiting for the time but nor do I want to be away from the house and lose precious time. I say mean things to Jerry, I find myself isolating myself, I can't quite explain it except to say that it hurts so bad. I want this chapter in my life to be over yet I don't want it to be over. And for all of you T-18 moms out there whose children are alive, if you are like I was before this pulmonary hypertension death sentence, I hung on every word other T-18 mothers said hoping and praying that what they were going through would not be what I would be going through one day. I always wondered exactly what would take Brianna's life, a cold turned to pneumonia, cancer, just what would it be. All I have to say now is that it could be worse. As far as we know Brianna is not in any pain. That is our continued prayer at this time. No pain for sweet baby Bri.