Last night I had a dream...it has been on my mind all day....this is how it went:
I walk down a hallway and come to a bedroom, open the door and Brianna is lying there in the middle of the bed. Jerry is next to the bed, working....on the computer....I say to myself....what? Brianna died.....but there she is.....dreams no matter how unrealistic yet in the dream so real.....so anyway...there she is....lying on the bed.....I enter the room and think (sounds so morbid) but I think.....she is going to be so cold (rememember, she died)....I approach Brianna and she starts smiling and moving....OMG.....it's her....it's Bri....WOW.....I touch her....and she is NOT cold.....(but she died?!!!).....she is simply our sweet Bri....all smiles, all warmth....all love.....what??? is she talking now?.....she is saying da da da da (yes, she said that when she was here on earth) and then she started say Gi Gi Gi Gi.... my mother.....her grandmother....no, she didn't say that when she was here on earth.....I picked her up, held her oh so close.....in my dream I could smell her....YES!!! I could smell her.....I could honestly feel her.....I was in heaven.....because even in my dream I knew she had died....then the dream simply dissolved......I woke up.....it was 3:30 am..... took a while to get back to sleep....I kept thinking oh, how wonderful.....I not only saw her again, but I held her and could smell her scent......God is so Good......
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
One More Thing
Jerry and I met with a very special little boy and his family....Caleb, he is 10 months old and adorable (full trisomy 18). I was so amazed at how these children look so much alike. Aren't they the cutest things ever?!!!!
Caleb....
Brianna....
I actually posted twice tonight...woooo hooo. Be sure to read the blog below too....very important stuff.
Caleb....
Brianna....
I actually posted twice tonight...woooo hooo. Be sure to read the blog below too....very important stuff.
Something I Have Been Wanting to Write About
Sadly, we have experienced that the father's of our very special children are so very often ignored. Unintentionally, I'm sure but none-the-less, ignored. I can't tell you the countless times I have been approached with hugs and condolences, offers of prayers, etc....and Jerry would be right there with me yet never acknowledged. I KNOW when this has happened that it is not intentional, I think it is more like the man is supposed to be the "rock", the "tough" one...but let me tell you, when your child is terminally ill, the father is just as sad as the mother. He needs just as many prayers, hugs, condolences, etc. as the mother. Maybe even more because while the mother is at home taking care of the child, the father is out, away from the family, working....please, I ask each of you who read this update to thank the father of the children that you are following on other sites....
While researching grief, I came across the following....sure hit home with me.
Fathers - The Forgotten Grievers
The death of a child is probably the most traumatic and devastating experience a couple can face. Although both mothers and fathers grieve deeply when such a tragedy occurs, they grieve differently, and it is most important that each partner give the other permission to grieve as he/she needs. This may be the greatest gift each can give the other.
Parental grief is strongly influenced by the nature of the bond between child and parent. Bereavement specialists actually speak of "incongruent grieving" patterns in mothers and fathers and of differences in the timing and intensity of the parental bond for mothers and fathers.
For the mother, the bond is usually more immediate and demonstrable, more intense at the beginning of life, more emotionally and physically intimate. The mother's bond with the baby is usually tightly forged from the moment of conception and continues through the pregnancy, the birth, and the nursing process. The maternal bond involves the present and the baby's immediate needs, while the father's bond with the baby more often concerns the future and dreams and expectations for the child. Today, however, many fathers are forging earlier and more intense prenatal bonds with their babies. Fathers also are often present in the delivery room for the birth. Some fathers become direct caregivers of the newborn, developing early and close bonds with their infants. Yet, still in many cases, "the father's emotional investment in parenting tends to occur later and less intensely than the mother's. This has implications for the way parents grieve" (Cordell and Thomas 1990, 75).
When is it my turn to cry? I'm not sure society or my upbringing will allow me a time to really cry, unafraid of the reaction and repercussion that might follow. I must be strong, I must support my wife because I am a man. I must be the cornerstone of our family because society says so, my family says so, and, until I can reverse my learned nature, I say so. - A FATHER, IN DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 112
In spite of the trend towards earlier bonding between fathers and babies, the influence of cultural expectations about men and grief persists and is powerful. Typically, the societal view of parental loss is not the same for the father as the mother. Most of the literature on parental bereavement still tends to focus on the mother's grief. Often, men are not acknowledged as experiencing grief; or more importantly, men are not taught that it's necessary to grieve and are discouraged from demonstrating signs of grief openly. Bereaved fathers frequently feel that they are the forgotten mourners and are often referred to as "second class grievers" (Horchler and Morris 1994, 72).
Fathers are expected to be strong for their partners, to be the "rock" in the family. All too often fathers are considered to be the ones who should attend to the practical but not the emotional aspects surrounding the death; they are expected to be the ones who should not let emotions show or tears fall outwardly, the ones who will not and should not fall apart. Men are often asked how their wives are doing, but not asked how they are doing.
Such expectations place an unmanageable burden on men and deprive them of their rightful and urgent need to grieve. This need will surface eventually if it is not expressed. It is not unusual for grieving fathers to feel overwhelmed, ignored, isolated, and abandoned as they try to continue to be caregivers and breadwinners for their families while their hearts are breaking. "Fathers' feelings [often] stay hidden under layers of responsibility and grim determination" (Staudacher 1991, 124). Bereaved fathers often say that such strong emotions are very difficult to contain after their child's death. Fathers often fear that they will erupt like volcanoes if they allow themselves to release these feelings and so, too often, fathers try to bury their pain with the child who died.
It is most important that a father's grief be verbalized and understood by his partner, other family members, professionals, coworkers, friends, and by anyone who will listen. Fathers need to try to free themselves of stereotypes and societal expectations about men and grief; they must be able to tell others that their grief is all they have from their child's brief life. Fathers repeatedly say that for their own peace of mind, they (and those who care about them) need to move away from this mind set and allow them to grieve as they are entitled.
In too many instances, fathers' responses to infant loss tend to coincide with how they believe they should act as men, rather than how they need to act to confront and resolve [their own] grief. - CORDELL AND THOMAS 1990, 7
While researching grief, I came across the following....sure hit home with me.
Fathers - The Forgotten Grievers
The death of a child is probably the most traumatic and devastating experience a couple can face. Although both mothers and fathers grieve deeply when such a tragedy occurs, they grieve differently, and it is most important that each partner give the other permission to grieve as he/she needs. This may be the greatest gift each can give the other.
Parental grief is strongly influenced by the nature of the bond between child and parent. Bereavement specialists actually speak of "incongruent grieving" patterns in mothers and fathers and of differences in the timing and intensity of the parental bond for mothers and fathers.
For the mother, the bond is usually more immediate and demonstrable, more intense at the beginning of life, more emotionally and physically intimate. The mother's bond with the baby is usually tightly forged from the moment of conception and continues through the pregnancy, the birth, and the nursing process. The maternal bond involves the present and the baby's immediate needs, while the father's bond with the baby more often concerns the future and dreams and expectations for the child. Today, however, many fathers are forging earlier and more intense prenatal bonds with their babies. Fathers also are often present in the delivery room for the birth. Some fathers become direct caregivers of the newborn, developing early and close bonds with their infants. Yet, still in many cases, "the father's emotional investment in parenting tends to occur later and less intensely than the mother's. This has implications for the way parents grieve" (Cordell and Thomas 1990, 75).
When is it my turn to cry? I'm not sure society or my upbringing will allow me a time to really cry, unafraid of the reaction and repercussion that might follow. I must be strong, I must support my wife because I am a man. I must be the cornerstone of our family because society says so, my family says so, and, until I can reverse my learned nature, I say so. - A FATHER, IN DEFRAIN ET AL. 1991, 112
In spite of the trend towards earlier bonding between fathers and babies, the influence of cultural expectations about men and grief persists and is powerful. Typically, the societal view of parental loss is not the same for the father as the mother. Most of the literature on parental bereavement still tends to focus on the mother's grief. Often, men are not acknowledged as experiencing grief; or more importantly, men are not taught that it's necessary to grieve and are discouraged from demonstrating signs of grief openly. Bereaved fathers frequently feel that they are the forgotten mourners and are often referred to as "second class grievers" (Horchler and Morris 1994, 72).
Fathers are expected to be strong for their partners, to be the "rock" in the family. All too often fathers are considered to be the ones who should attend to the practical but not the emotional aspects surrounding the death; they are expected to be the ones who should not let emotions show or tears fall outwardly, the ones who will not and should not fall apart. Men are often asked how their wives are doing, but not asked how they are doing.
Such expectations place an unmanageable burden on men and deprive them of their rightful and urgent need to grieve. This need will surface eventually if it is not expressed. It is not unusual for grieving fathers to feel overwhelmed, ignored, isolated, and abandoned as they try to continue to be caregivers and breadwinners for their families while their hearts are breaking. "Fathers' feelings [often] stay hidden under layers of responsibility and grim determination" (Staudacher 1991, 124). Bereaved fathers often say that such strong emotions are very difficult to contain after their child's death. Fathers often fear that they will erupt like volcanoes if they allow themselves to release these feelings and so, too often, fathers try to bury their pain with the child who died.
It is most important that a father's grief be verbalized and understood by his partner, other family members, professionals, coworkers, friends, and by anyone who will listen. Fathers need to try to free themselves of stereotypes and societal expectations about men and grief; they must be able to tell others that their grief is all they have from their child's brief life. Fathers repeatedly say that for their own peace of mind, they (and those who care about them) need to move away from this mind set and allow them to grieve as they are entitled.
In too many instances, fathers' responses to infant loss tend to coincide with how they believe they should act as men, rather than how they need to act to confront and resolve [their own] grief. - CORDELL AND THOMAS 1990, 7
Friday, January 15, 2010
I saw Bri
I saw Bri....in a dream early this morning. She was in her carseat....sleeping peacefully.....then started to stir and wake up....there were people around....smiling and looking at her......I touched her nose in a playful gesture and she smiled that gorgeous smile.....my heart is happy today....thank you Bri. You knew I needed that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Memorial Cards
Below are the cards we had made for Brianna's memorial service. The first is the top and the second is the reverse side. The third picture is the memorial program. The cards have turned into a type of "calling card" for Brianna. We hand them out every chance we get.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Good Morning Sweet Angel
Today marks 4 months since you have been gone. It has been a life-changing event that has just about torn our family apart. I ask for prayers for us (Brenda, Jerry and Ashley) that God will lay his healing hand on our family and bring us close again.
Last week we received a card in the mail, it is so amazing that I want to share it with everyone. Here is the outside of the card...
and the hand-written note inside:
"Your sweet little Brianna wasn't here for Christmas, but when I saw this picture there was an immediate reaction - my goodness, there's Brianna scampering around in heaven."
Thank you Joe and Cheryl. What a wonderful card.
Last week we received a card in the mail, it is so amazing that I want to share it with everyone. Here is the outside of the card...
and the hand-written note inside:
"Your sweet little Brianna wasn't here for Christmas, but when I saw this picture there was an immediate reaction - my goodness, there's Brianna scampering around in heaven."
Thank you Joe and Cheryl. What a wonderful card.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
100 Days
It seems like an eternity since Bri has been gone. Long days and longer nights. We did put up a Christmas tree although it is sparsely decorated. Just this past weekend Jerry put the lighted cross out by the front door. We thought we would string up the lights on the house but haven't had it in us yet. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
We got through Thanksgiving. Jerry had a business trip to Denver and thought it would be good for me to go with, so I did. We stayed out there for a week. What a beautiful part of the country. Went snow skiing at Copper Mountain and Monarch Mountain, even made a snow angel in memory of Bri. Jerry got it on camera but I haven't uploaded it yet. It is really sweet.
I spent a week at my mother's house doing holiday stuff with my mother and sisters. It was so hard. Just bittersweet. Initially we were going to go visit for Christmas but decided we would rather stay here in Orlando.
On December 4th we attended a breakfast for Hospice of the Comforter (in Altamonte Springs). Bri's story was one of 4 featured on their video. What a beautiful tribute to both Bri and the services provided by Hospice. I've tried uploading it too but....brain cells can't figure it out.
I've had a trying afternoon. Have been making calls regarding unpaid medical bills. Wondered why we were getting them (after having no problem reaching our deductible this year) and found out that somehow they were requesting payment from an insurance company from five years ago. Apparently insurance info stays out there in cyberspace and was picked up by some of these companies. What makes it so trying is I have to call, wait, explain and then most times they will ask if the person is still insured. That's when I drop the bomb. Most times they can't get off of the phone fast enough.
We sure do miss our sweet little baby Bri but feel comforted in knowing that she is in heaven singing with the angels.
What the heck, here's some pictures from 2008, as I have said many times before, isn't she the cutest thing ever?
Merry Christmas
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Ashley's Video
This is a video/photos that Ashley put together when she got her first "ink". As to be expected, it makes me smile because of how proud I am of Ashley yet I cry because of how much I miss Brianna. I just continue to repeat over and over, God is good, God is good...but the one thing I will tell you though is when I first see him, my first question will be, Why?.....Why?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sweet
Just a sweet iphone video that should make you smile and perhaps cry. The red light is the O2 monitor on Bri's toe.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Here I Am
I don't know how else to title this chapter except to say Here I Am, or actually Here We Are....moving on with life. I can't say we're moving on without Bri because although she is not here physically, she IS here, in our hearts and thoughts. The thing about grief is dang it, it can sneak up on you right out of the blue. The first days after Bri died, the grief was different. The pain she was in the few days before death helped us to realize that it truly was a blessing that she had been received upon the Lord but as the days and weeks progress, it's harder to remember the pain she as in because our pain of missing her sweet little smiling face is so overwhelming. It's harder to go into her bedroom without sobbing. I know this will pass and that it will eventually get easier and I don't want to rush it because I need to feel this. I just need to feel it.
On another note, we have been asked to share our story with Hospice of the Comforter here in Altamonte Springs and today is the day. A local television crew will be filming us in a couple of hours. I can feel the tears already. The story will "debut" Dec. 4th at a Hospice fundraiser. We will keep you posted.
On another note, we have been asked to share our story with Hospice of the Comforter here in Altamonte Springs and today is the day. A local television crew will be filming us in a couple of hours. I can feel the tears already. The story will "debut" Dec. 4th at a Hospice fundraiser. We will keep you posted.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Oh Sweet, Sweet Brianna
I can be having a pretty decent day and click on Bri's website and the tears begin to stream down my face when I see that gorgeous smile on sweet Bri. Thank God that she was so very happy during her short lifetime.
Life is going on at a much different pace now. I am actually getting through some of the "stacks" of "stuff" that piled up the last couple of years. One would think I would have a lot of time on my hands but actually I don't. Well, I probably could but I prefer to keep busy, it keeps the sadness from creeping in on me.
Jerry is back to work full time, traveling a lot and not liking it at all. I don't like it either but right now, that is where we are at job wise. Praying every day for something to happen / change up so he can be at home more.
Ashley is back in school and working part time. I don't get to see her very much which makes me sad but I have to get used to the fact that she is 17, almost 18 and at that age, who wants to hang out with their mother?!!!
We've started a flower garden between our house and Kathy's house and it has been officially named "Brianna's Garden". Kathy and Jim bought a beautiful angel statue and cross for the garden. We both planted various flowering plants that attract butterflies. One of the hospice volunteers, Ann P., brought over and planted a beautiful pink hibiscus. She officially dubbed the color "Brianna Pink". Here in the near future I will take some photos and post them. The garden is really beautiful and the butterflies have been feeding daily.
Please note the Brianna Gives Hope Foundation info on the left side of the site. Things are happening....we are very excited.
Brenda
Life is going on at a much different pace now. I am actually getting through some of the "stacks" of "stuff" that piled up the last couple of years. One would think I would have a lot of time on my hands but actually I don't. Well, I probably could but I prefer to keep busy, it keeps the sadness from creeping in on me.
Jerry is back to work full time, traveling a lot and not liking it at all. I don't like it either but right now, that is where we are at job wise. Praying every day for something to happen / change up so he can be at home more.
Ashley is back in school and working part time. I don't get to see her very much which makes me sad but I have to get used to the fact that she is 17, almost 18 and at that age, who wants to hang out with their mother?!!!
We've started a flower garden between our house and Kathy's house and it has been officially named "Brianna's Garden". Kathy and Jim bought a beautiful angel statue and cross for the garden. We both planted various flowering plants that attract butterflies. One of the hospice volunteers, Ann P., brought over and planted a beautiful pink hibiscus. She officially dubbed the color "Brianna Pink". Here in the near future I will take some photos and post them. The garden is really beautiful and the butterflies have been feeding daily.
Please note the Brianna Gives Hope Foundation info on the left side of the site. Things are happening....we are very excited.
Brenda
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I feel you baby Bri, I feel you...
This morning I slept in. The house was cooler and the bed so very comfortable. Once I was out of bed I realized why, we had a "cold" front come in. Here in Central Florida, a "cold" front means it is NOT 95 to 100 degrees outside along with 100% humidity. Anyway, the temperature in the house was 76, yeah I know, LOL. Continuing on with my morning, I opened the blinds, made some coffee, opened up the back porch for Belina and OMG, the weather outside was glorious, absolutely glorious. As quickly as I could I put my shoes on and took Belina out for a walk and then the tears just starting streaming down my face...Bri was everywhere, I could feel her presence, I felt as though her arms were wrapped so tightly around me and even though I am back inside typing this, she is here with me. I feel so blessed to be able to recognize the feel of her love, the feel of Christ's love. Thank you baby Bri for this very special time together this morning. I love you so very much.
Monday, September 28, 2009
What is there to say
I know...I have been away for some time now but in all reality, what is there for me to say? really, what is left to say? Each and every day I wake up and think ohhhhhh another day. I can't believe how fast the time is going by. Bri died 3 1/2 weeks ago yet it seems like yesterday. Upon her passing I felt that I had no regrets that I (we) had left no stone unturned but as the time continues on it is easy to find things that I regret, just holding her a little more, singing to her a little more, hugging and smelling her a little more....we just miss her presence in our lives so very much. My heart aches like you couldn't believe. Jerry is back at work full time and Ashley is back at school full time and I am working at the house sorting out "stacks" of "stuff" that have been stacked up for the last 2 1/2 years. LOTS of filing and organizing to do. I hope in the near future to find at least a part-time job. Guess I will see what God has in store for me next.
We so appreciate the many donations made to the Brianna Gives Hope Foundation and Jerry and I are working with the folks at our church, First Presbyterian Church of Orlando's Heart of the City Foundation, to make each and every dollar donated to Brianna Gives Hope counts. We feel honored to have FPCO's Heart of the City Foundation work with us to make a change in other people's lives. Jerry, Ashley and I feel so incredibly proud to be able to honor Brianna's life in such a way to help others. God has been and continues to be so good to us. We will be sure to keep you posted on information regarding Brianna's Foundation.
Good night sweet baby Bri.....we miss you so very much.
We so appreciate the many donations made to the Brianna Gives Hope Foundation and Jerry and I are working with the folks at our church, First Presbyterian Church of Orlando's Heart of the City Foundation, to make each and every dollar donated to Brianna Gives Hope counts. We feel honored to have FPCO's Heart of the City Foundation work with us to make a change in other people's lives. Jerry, Ashley and I feel so incredibly proud to be able to honor Brianna's life in such a way to help others. God has been and continues to be so good to us. We will be sure to keep you posted on information regarding Brianna's Foundation.
Good night sweet baby Bri.....we miss you so very much.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Shining Down
Jerry and I are in Atlanta....talk about rain. Goodness, it's been raining so much that houses are flooded, roads are closed, schools are closed....forecast called for rain today too but little Brianna and her T-18 friend, Christina took care of business today and had the sun shining for us. Christina is the daughter of Mills and Kathryn, whom now reside here in Atlanta. They are the first couple we met with a child with T-18. Christina lived here on earth for 13 months but without even having to say it, she still resides here on earth in her mother, father, grandparents, and many others including us. It's comforting to know that today both Brianna and Christina were smiling down upon us with BIG rays of sunshine. Thank you sweet angel pies.
Kathryn was gracious enough to spend the day with me. We talked, cried, talked, laughed, window-shopped. I thoroughly enjoyed the day. A big thank you Kathryn for your time.
Kathryn was gracious enough to spend the day with me. We talked, cried, talked, laughed, window-shopped. I thoroughly enjoyed the day. A big thank you Kathryn for your time.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Reading the blog
I just opened Bri's blog again, or actually my blog about Bri and read my last post....oh, it sounded so sad. Part of me feels like I should apologize but then another part knows that I shouldn't because that is where I was at that moment. That is how grief is, up one moment, down the next.
I'm feeling pretty good right now, yesterday I went to a conference with a wonderful girlfriend, the presenters were Beth Moore, Priscilla somebody and Kay somebody (I love it when I really know what I am talking about...lol) and what light they showered on me. More on that later but let me tell you, if you want a GREAT bible study, go online and look up Beth Moore....she is something else.
Today Jerry and I went kayaking in the Winter Park chain of lakes. Surprisingly, we missed church to do this. I learned from Beth Moore that there are times when you have to really look and see what is important "this day" and do it....today it was important for Jerry and I to get out and be together. We are glad we took the time to do this, it was a great day, there was no doubt that we were blessed for doing so.
In the morning I am flying to Atlanta with Jerry. He is returning to work. What a difficult time and I want to be there to support him.
Ashley spent the weekend at the beach and took some great photos of Bri's best friend, Susie....they are so sweet. Check them out on my facebook account....brenda langston botts.
Special thanks to Jesus Christ, he is such an awesome God.
Good night all. Especially to sweet baby Bri.
I'm feeling pretty good right now, yesterday I went to a conference with a wonderful girlfriend, the presenters were Beth Moore, Priscilla somebody and Kay somebody (I love it when I really know what I am talking about...lol) and what light they showered on me. More on that later but let me tell you, if you want a GREAT bible study, go online and look up Beth Moore....she is something else.
Today Jerry and I went kayaking in the Winter Park chain of lakes. Surprisingly, we missed church to do this. I learned from Beth Moore that there are times when you have to really look and see what is important "this day" and do it....today it was important for Jerry and I to get out and be together. We are glad we took the time to do this, it was a great day, there was no doubt that we were blessed for doing so.
In the morning I am flying to Atlanta with Jerry. He is returning to work. What a difficult time and I want to be there to support him.
Ashley spent the weekend at the beach and took some great photos of Bri's best friend, Susie....they are so sweet. Check them out on my facebook account....brenda langston botts.
Special thanks to Jesus Christ, he is such an awesome God.
Good night all. Especially to sweet baby Bri.
Friday, September 18, 2009
oh where to start
I open up Bri's blogspot and can't stop crying. The tears are pouring like rain. We miss her so much. Her absolutely beautiful happy face radiating out from the blogspot. It has been 15 days since she died. Died, I have to say that word. I can't continue to say the unreal words like "passed or gone away". Brianna has died, end of sentence. Yesterday I was at the doctor with Jerry, it appears that he has thrown his back out, and luck would have it (although I wouldn't really call it luck) that I would look at my watch right at 2:55 pm, the time she died two weeks ago. Tears, tears and more tears.
Jerry had planned on going back to work this past Wednesday. I was going to go with him to Atlanta, with a stop in Savannah on the way, just to be there together but that didn't happen. We couldn't do it. Couldn't leave the house. Every day we kept saying "ok today we will get out and do something". never happened until today. We finally got out and went up to the Wekiva River and sat on the riverbank in adirondack chairs and just enjoyed the outdoors. I could feel Bri's presence in the beautiful outdoors. She was there with us for sure. Big angel hugs and kisses to you Bri, mama, daddy and sissy miss you so very much.
Jerry had planned on going back to work this past Wednesday. I was going to go with him to Atlanta, with a stop in Savannah on the way, just to be there together but that didn't happen. We couldn't do it. Couldn't leave the house. Every day we kept saying "ok today we will get out and do something". never happened until today. We finally got out and went up to the Wekiva River and sat on the riverbank in adirondack chairs and just enjoyed the outdoors. I could feel Bri's presence in the beautiful outdoors. She was there with us for sure. Big angel hugs and kisses to you Bri, mama, daddy and sissy miss you so very much.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's All About Love
It's been a very difficult week. I have so much on my mind that I want to put into words...the time will come. Here's the video Jerry and I put together for Bri's memorial service. Big thanks to Tom Mills for his help. Couldn't have done it without him.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Seven Days Ago
Seven days ago at this time we were begging God to take Brianna. She was in so much pain. But he was gracious enough to calm her and give us another 15 hours with our little angel. 15 hours that she was at peace and in no pain.
I'm here tonight with some rambling thoughts. Today Jerry and I designed Bri's Memorial card to be handed out at the service....no worries to those who can't be there, I can mail some out. Then we went over to First Pres. and figured out the schedule for Bri's memorial service. No tears, almost, but just teary eyes. "Bri is in a better place, Bri is in a better place".....keep saying it silently to myself.....and maybe just maybe I can hold myself together until I get home or at least in the car. Lasted until I got home and then cried myself silly. I know this is part of the grieving process but dang it.
I have to say I am pleased with myself in in the sense that I can look at, touch and talk to babies and small children without tears. Actually, I feel no sadness at all when that happens. I find myself feeling very happy for the parents for their having those dear children.
I am proud of Ashley. She almost wasn't ready to come into our house yet (afraid of all the Brianna paraphenelia laying around) although I did assure her that we had straightened up quite a bit and well, she then decided that yes, it was time. And it was all good. We had a nice afternoon, me, Jerry and Ashley. Went to a casual dinner, stopped by the mall and took her home early since she had quite a bit of school work that needed to be completed. And, in the middle of it all, received a call from the funeral home stating that Brianna's ashes were ready to be picked up. Here I go again, don't think about it, don't think about it, "i'm sorry Ashley, what did you say again???
One more thing I want to share. This morning when I awoke, Jerry was not in bed. He was on the couch. Said that he woke up around 2:00 am and simply couldn't go back to sleep. He was thinking about Brianna and how I felt her presence when the lady bug had landed on me days earlier. He said he was wondering if he would ever get a sign from her, and would he feel it or see it?.....Picked up his iPhone and started reading chapters of the bible, just searching for answers to whatever, got tired, placed his phone under his pillow and started to doze....then his phone beeped signaling that he had received an email....so, when he picked up his phone and looked, it was from me, and it was a picture of Brianna......yes, amazing, huh. Several days earlier I sent him that picture but he never received it until 2:33 am. Just when he needed it, sweet Bri said hello. God is so good. I think I will close on that warm and fuzzy story. Good night all.
I'm here tonight with some rambling thoughts. Today Jerry and I designed Bri's Memorial card to be handed out at the service....no worries to those who can't be there, I can mail some out. Then we went over to First Pres. and figured out the schedule for Bri's memorial service. No tears, almost, but just teary eyes. "Bri is in a better place, Bri is in a better place".....keep saying it silently to myself.....and maybe just maybe I can hold myself together until I get home or at least in the car. Lasted until I got home and then cried myself silly. I know this is part of the grieving process but dang it.
I have to say I am pleased with myself in in the sense that I can look at, touch and talk to babies and small children without tears. Actually, I feel no sadness at all when that happens. I find myself feeling very happy for the parents for their having those dear children.
I am proud of Ashley. She almost wasn't ready to come into our house yet (afraid of all the Brianna paraphenelia laying around) although I did assure her that we had straightened up quite a bit and well, she then decided that yes, it was time. And it was all good. We had a nice afternoon, me, Jerry and Ashley. Went to a casual dinner, stopped by the mall and took her home early since she had quite a bit of school work that needed to be completed. And, in the middle of it all, received a call from the funeral home stating that Brianna's ashes were ready to be picked up. Here I go again, don't think about it, don't think about it, "i'm sorry Ashley, what did you say again???
One more thing I want to share. This morning when I awoke, Jerry was not in bed. He was on the couch. Said that he woke up around 2:00 am and simply couldn't go back to sleep. He was thinking about Brianna and how I felt her presence when the lady bug had landed on me days earlier. He said he was wondering if he would ever get a sign from her, and would he feel it or see it?.....Picked up his iPhone and started reading chapters of the bible, just searching for answers to whatever, got tired, placed his phone under his pillow and started to doze....then his phone beeped signaling that he had received an email....so, when he picked up his phone and looked, it was from me, and it was a picture of Brianna......yes, amazing, huh. Several days earlier I sent him that picture but he never received it until 2:33 am. Just when he needed it, sweet Bri said hello. God is so good. I think I will close on that warm and fuzzy story. Good night all.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Five Days
It's been five days since Bri left this earth. Five days of serious ups and downs, crying, smiling, remembering and being grateful. We miss her so darn much and our hearts are aching. Ashley had to go back to school today, God bless her because it must have been very hard. We love you so much and can't imagine being a teenager experiencing this kind of pain.
As I said in my last post, some friends gave us tickets to Cirque du Soleil for last Saturday night. As it was getting time to leave for the show, we both agreed that we would rather stay home but in our hearts we knew we needed to get out. So we went. The show was awesome, there are no words to describe it, it's simply an amazing one hour and 40 minutes of mouth gaping entertainment. But still, we really weren't there. We were watching yet completely numb at the same time. Cried all the way home.
Brianna said hello to me first thing Sunday morning when I was out with our crazy puppy dog, Belina, by showing up disguised as a lady bug....landed right on my sleeve. We miss her so very much. Going to church on Sunday was a great feeling. Our church family has been and continues to be very supportive. Thank you to our family, friends and church family for being there for us Sunday. It made all the difference in the world.
Monday morning we decided to get up and get out again....maybe go kayaking for a couple of hours instead of sitting home being surrounded by so many memories. We went and it was a nice day.
Lots of things to be done this week, the kind of things you don't want to do so it is easy to procrastinate, but we're getting through it, little by little.
Mama Kathy stopped by a little while ago and we started looking at pictures and videos that I recently downloaded onto my computer. Can't wait to edit and post some of them. The memories had us smiling, not crying...that's a good thing.
Memorial Service planned for Saturday, Sept. 12 at 3:00 pm at First Presbyterian Church, Downtown Orlando
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to "Heart of the City / Brianna Gives Hope", 106 East Church Street, Orlando, FL 32801.
To see the notice in the paper, visit Orlando Sentinel.com, obituaries for Sunday, Sept. 6th.
Ashley and Brianna at 8 days old
Brenda and Brianna at 2 months old
Daddy-O and Brianna at 3 months old
As I said in my last post, some friends gave us tickets to Cirque du Soleil for last Saturday night. As it was getting time to leave for the show, we both agreed that we would rather stay home but in our hearts we knew we needed to get out. So we went. The show was awesome, there are no words to describe it, it's simply an amazing one hour and 40 minutes of mouth gaping entertainment. But still, we really weren't there. We were watching yet completely numb at the same time. Cried all the way home.
Brianna said hello to me first thing Sunday morning when I was out with our crazy puppy dog, Belina, by showing up disguised as a lady bug....landed right on my sleeve. We miss her so very much. Going to church on Sunday was a great feeling. Our church family has been and continues to be very supportive. Thank you to our family, friends and church family for being there for us Sunday. It made all the difference in the world.
Monday morning we decided to get up and get out again....maybe go kayaking for a couple of hours instead of sitting home being surrounded by so many memories. We went and it was a nice day.
Lots of things to be done this week, the kind of things you don't want to do so it is easy to procrastinate, but we're getting through it, little by little.
Mama Kathy stopped by a little while ago and we started looking at pictures and videos that I recently downloaded onto my computer. Can't wait to edit and post some of them. The memories had us smiling, not crying...that's a good thing.
Memorial Service planned for Saturday, Sept. 12 at 3:00 pm at First Presbyterian Church, Downtown Orlando
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to "Heart of the City / Brianna Gives Hope", 106 East Church Street, Orlando, FL 32801.
To see the notice in the paper, visit Orlando Sentinel.com, obituaries for Sunday, Sept. 6th.
Ashley and Brianna at 8 days old
Brenda and Brianna at 2 months old
Daddy-O and Brianna at 3 months old
Saturday, September 5, 2009
What a Draining Day
Jerry and I are wiped out. It's been a very emotional day. We went to see Bri....she was so pretty. Resting peacefully wrapped in her grandmothers quilt and her bear-skin plush rug on top keeping her snuggly. Pretty Florida dress and matching bow. My sister Judy suggested getting Bri's hand and footprints on paper as a keepsake. Of course I took it a little further...and had Bri's footprint stamped on my forearm....Jerry followed suit. No, it's not permanent but it will stay for several days if we are careful.
Came home and wrote Bri's obituary, whew, it will be published tomorrow in both the Orlando Sentinel and the Northwest Daily News. Both newspapers can be read on-line.
Tonight we are going out to Cirque du Soleil. Some friends gave us the tickets. Jerry and I could just stay here at the house on the couch taking turns sighing......stress.....but we're not. We are leaving shortly to get out and get some fresh air.
Thank you Connie and Chuck for the Kahlua pound cake and red wine.....both were delicious. Church tomorrow. We are looking forward to meeting up with our friends and giving glory to God for our family. You are more than welcome to join us. 11:00 am Genesis Service, First Presbyterian Church Downtown Orlando, front row, baby!
Came home and wrote Bri's obituary, whew, it will be published tomorrow in both the Orlando Sentinel and the Northwest Daily News. Both newspapers can be read on-line. Tonight we are going out to Cirque du Soleil. Some friends gave us the tickets. Jerry and I could just stay here at the house on the couch taking turns sighing......stress.....but we're not. We are leaving shortly to get out and get some fresh air.
Thank you Connie and Chuck for the Kahlua pound cake and red wine.....both were delicious. Church tomorrow. We are looking forward to meeting up with our friends and giving glory to God for our family. You are more than welcome to join us. 11:00 am Genesis Service, First Presbyterian Church Downtown Orlando, front row, baby!
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